


I'll get you back, even I won't

by blackhills



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: After the snapped, Angst, F/F, Romance, Some Fluff, established blackhill, maybe more angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-10 02:03:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18929080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackhills/pseuds/blackhills
Summary: “I love you Hill, I’ll come back to you soon.”Those were the words echoed through her as she felt that something was really not right, as Maria faded into nothingness and Natasha was her only thought. Maria realized that she was the one who broke the promise.





	1. she's still gone

**I’ll get you back, even I won’t**

Something doesn’t feel right, even when Natasha told her before that they need to look for Wanda and Vision, it has been days ago. Maria can still feel Natasha’s lips ghosting on hers and the silent promise Natasha made to come back to her when everything is over.

People are screaming around the busy street and all she can think about was Natasha. Maria and Fury got out of the car they were in because of a crashed happened in front of them, she checked the people inside of the car, but no one’s in there.

_“I love you Hill, I’ll come back to you soon.”_

Those were the words echoed through her as she felt that something was really not right, as Maria faded into nothingness and Natasha was her only thought. _Maria realized she was the one who broke the promise._

 

 ***

 

It has been a week since the snapped, Natasha can still remember when she dialed Maria’s number and it went straight to voicemail _“Hey, it’s Hill here, you’re lucky if you have this number … stop laughing!”_ Natasha can’t help but chuckled at Maria’s laugh ringing through her phone and she knows well who was in the background; it was her laughing at Maria saying those being lucky phrase. Natasha knew something doesn’t felt right, nothing is.

 _“So uh, maybe something came up that’s why I can’t answer you at the moment. Just leave something after the beep or don’t, bye! … beep!”_ Both of their faint laughter burst out through her phone again because it was her saying the beep. 

 _She’s gone, just like the others_. Natasha gripped her phone tighter as she felt fresh tears slowly poured down her face. Natasha’s body is shaking and she broke down; she felt herself pulling up her legs against her chest and she just screamed. She doesn’t care about the people who can hear her outside her room. 

Nothing else mattered, her family is gone, Maria is gone.

 

 ***

 

_“Is that all you can do Romanoff? Is that all your strength?” Maria smirked at Natasha who raised her eyebrow and strike another punch on her side that Maria easily avoided._

_The two women just kept on circling each other, green and blue eyes burned to each other, as one strikes punch after punch when there’s an opening or get a kick from one another. “You know Hill, I’m better than you in a hand combat right?” Natasha taunted her, not lowering her guard._

_“That’s a highly doubt thou-”_

_Natasha caught Maria’s right hand that was about to connect on the side of her face and she twisted it on Maria’s back where she slowly pushed Hill on the wall, ended up with a small thud._

_“Can you repeat that Commander?” Natasha whispered on Maria’s right ear, she felt the hitch of breathe of the other woman in front of her as she loosened up her grip a little on Maria’s forearm._

_“I get it Romanoff,” Maria said with a small groan building up in her because of their situation. She can feel Natasha’s lips, leaving a trail of kisses along her neck. Natasha didn’t even care at how badly they were sweating. “Nat…” Maria swallowed the small moan trying to escape her throat because of Natasha’s free hand slowly making its way to her side and is deadly roaming on her stomach, drawing different patterns that made her shiver._

_“What is it Maria?” Natasha asked as she trails more kisses on Maria’s shoulder and she knows that it’s the other woman’s weakness._

_Maria didn’t hesitated and changed their position where she held Natasha’s both hands behind, firmly. She looked at the green eyes burning with lust against her blue ones; she really is so in love with this woman in front of her. Maria clenched her jaw as leaned in and ghosted her lips along the jawline of Natasha. She heard the small moan left her lover’s mouth, the tip of her tongue traced the lower side of Natasha’s ear and she stopped._

_“I’ll give you what you want later Nat.” Then she let go and flashed her girlfriend a smile. She reached out for Natasha’s cheeks and caressed it. Maria leaned in again and gave Natasha a soft kiss and both of them knew that it was a promise, unspoken one._

_Natasha broke the kiss and just held Maria’s face lovingly as she waited for Maria to open her eyes in front of her very own gaze. Their forehead touched, caresses of hands on both sides, nothing mattered around them; it was just the two women against everyone. “You know you’re soft.” Natasha smiled lovingly to Maria and placed a kiss on the side of her mouth._

_“I know, that’s why you love me, but you cannot tell everyone about that.” Maria told her, a smile on her face, that smile was only reserve for her._

_“You know I won’t.” But everyone already knew it._

 ***

Sweats dripping down her face, neck, shoulders and body, Natasha didn’t care. She kept on hitting the punching bag in front of her, Natasha didn’t care. Numbness of her knuckles and hands that surely will have bruises in a matter of time, Natasha didn’t care. Emotions running in her body while she remembered the bits of her life with Maria, rage and sadness were taking over her once again, Natasha didn’t care.

It has been a year and three months since it all happened, she can’t see straight as emotions clouded her sight, but she still clenched her fists tighter and waited to take her last and final blow on the bag, when her fist landed on the target, the sound echoed throughout the room and Natasha didn’t care.

_Maria is still gone._

She held the bag, stopped it from swinging. She closed her eyes, leaned her forehead on it and tried to remember Maria’s face in her mind. Natasha saw those beautiful blue eyes staring at her lovingly, Maria caressing her cheeks where she can make Natasha feel like she’s the only one that matter for her, because she is, she was.

Heavy breathing and faint sobs from her echoed throughout the room, Natasha didn’t care. She felt her sweat and tears being mixed up as it ran down from her face to her body, Natasha didn’t care.

_Why would she even care?_

She knew if Maria was seeing her in this kind of state, the woman will be sad for her and make her feel better in every way she could. She sighed, she needs to be strong for Maria even she’s not there, she thought. She owed it to the brunette and now Natasha finally cares.

 

 


	2. always

**I’ll get you back, even I won’t**

 

_It was a random night where Natasha and Maria finally had some time alone after a mission. They knew that being in a relationship with each other while also being a SHIELD agent was going to be a pain in the ass because they knew that it was hard to have some time with each other that doesn’t includes them worrying about someone needing them in a mission or such._

_No one knew about the growing relationship between the both of them, but obviously Fury has some speculation and that was why they were given an opportunity to spend some day off away from the facility. It was not about being ashamed, but it was about the safety of both of them, that was leaning more to Maria’s safety. Natasha wanted her safe, even though they argued about it a lot, they still ended up where they make up and god knows what next._

_That’s why Maria didn’t had to deliberate, she immediately asked Natasha to go on a date with her once they will be in much more comfortable state of clothes. Yes, Maria still asks Natasha on a date even though they have been together for almost three years and it was an automatic instinct in every window she could get to have Natasha alone by herself._

_They found their selves alone by the side of some beach. A cloth spread on the sand, a basket full of foods that Maria cooked for them both and their bodies intertwined with each other while looking at the calmness of the sea in front of their very eyes, just the two of them being content knowingly they have each other. Natasha knew Maria is always romantic in every occasion and she knew that she really is a lucky woman to have her._

_“Hey Nat, do you ever just wondered about the kids on the streets, having no one else to go, nothing to eat and just them against the others without knowing if someone they just met is going to be their friend or not?” Maria asked softly, knowing that it was just a random question running through her mind for a long time._

_Natasha turned her gaze to Maria, bracing her left hand on her head and softly made patterns on Maria’s cheeks on the other. “Ever since I got out from the red room, I always knew that one day I needed to do something about those children. Simply helping them with their needs, but I still don’t have that chance to do it.” She admitted._

_Maria’s heart swelled in the revelation of the redheaded in front of her. “Maybe one day you’ll get that chance to do it and I will be there to support you.” She reassured Natasha by slowly leaning in and gave her a kiss on her cheek._

_“Maybe I’ll get that chance and you better hold on to that promise of me having you there by my side when it happen Hill.” Natasha smiled genuinely knowing that her girlfriend always supports her in anything she does, except in some times where she’s being a hard ass. “I – I can’t do it without you.” Natasha told her slowly as her gaze became soft looking at Maria._

_Hill’s body felt weak in that statement of Natasha. “You know you can and you will Nat.” She reached out for Natasha’s hand and kissed the back of it softly. “As always Romanoff.” Maria promised her and that what mattered in that moment._

 

_***_

 

It wasn’t always.

Natasha sighed at the thoughts of the promises she and Maria made before, it all slowly became a hollowed promises. She’s yet alone in the avengers facility, every single one of the team started to moved out away from the facility in the last three years.

She’s the last one standing in that place.

Natasha wouldn’t, couldn’t, step a foot forward in the unknown apartment she shared with her fellow avenger, it was the place she shared with Maria. It has been three years or so and she just couldn’t bear walking in those familiar hall leading her to their once _home,_ it was untouched with lost memories that are still carved in every bit of her body’s fibre.

She’s too weak.

She took a deep breathe, slowly leaning her back and put both her hands on her face,  trying to remember the blue orbs staring back at her with that familiar smile and Natasha too damn well knows she’s still her midpoint, Maria is still her strength.

A faint sound came from the outside, indicating that a known individual just entered the facility. She tried to make herself more presentable on the outside, but she couldn’t do anything in her inside.

She finally put that tough façade that could crack in any moment.

“You know, the outside could use some new face.” Steve leaned his shoulder on a wall and folded his arms.

“If you’re talking about that someone has a red hair mixing up with her fake blonde ones, maybe you shouldn’t be talking at all Steve.” Natasha raised her brow at her friend and chuckled.

“I’m just saying Nat.” Steve surrendered, knowing that he can’t force her. He went to sit on an empty chair. He sighed, “I’ve heard that there’s an on-going charity based on DC that helps children that had been orphaned since the snapped.”

Natasha felt herself soften, she started that charity last year and it has been a great help for every children who had no one since their parents were … gone. “It wasn’t that big of a deal Steve, it was the only thing I can do for those children who lost their family.”  She shrugged.

“You know that’s not true.” Steve pointed out.

“What’s not true?” She asked.

“You’ve been helping those children in ways and that is a big of a deal.” Steve told her.

Natasha knew she couldn’t do much to argue for more. “I guess you are right, but it’s the least I can do because I can’t, we can’t even save the others.”

“Don’t do that to yourself Natash-”

“Do what Steve?” Natasha suddenly snapped and she felt like she’s not calming down any sooner. “Feel useless knowing that we can’t do anything for them or hell, to even bring them all back even if there’s a chance in doing so? Fucking hell, I don’t even know where the fuck is my best friend in this very moment, if he’s dead or he’s killing. Do you think that all we can do is just to help people in some way because it’s were supposed to do?” Natasha chuckled as she felt her emotion keeps on building up in her. She didn’t even realize that she was already standing with a pointed look to Steve. He didn’t deserved this outburst from her, she felt sorry. “You know, to just sit around not knowing what the fuck happened since that…that…”

Natasha’s voice cracked.

She couldn’t, Natasha couldn’t say it.

Steve felt so deeply bad for his friend because he doesn’t know what to do, even he was known for having a plan, but this time, it was something, something that he couldn’t control even if he wanted to, it was beyond his reach.

He stood up as soon as he saw the stoned look in his friend’s eyes. He touched Natasha’s shoulder that it made the woman jumped a little, but calmed knowing she’s safe around Steve. He slowly pulled Natasha for a soft hug and then he finally heard her walls cracked. Steve doesn’t even know how many sleepless nights Natasha had being alone in the facility, he doesn’t even want to know because he just left her there.

“I – I couldn’t save them Steve…” Natasha whispered on his friend shoulder. “I couldn’t – I couldn’t save her, I don – I don’t know what to do.” Steve knows who Natasha is talking about, besides the others, Steve always knew how broken Natasha is since Maria was gone.

“I know Nat, but who knows, in a few years we’ll have answers to what had happened.” Steve knows that what he just said is a lie, he doesn’t know what will happen in the future, but he’s tired of abandoning Natasha when he knows that he was needed the most by the woman who just broke down in front of him.

He doesn’t even know how long he was holding Natasha, but the woman finally broke the hold and he heard her chuckled.

“That was embarrassing.” Natasha shook her head and wiped the tears from her face.

“The mighty Black Widow cried on the shoulders of Captain America.” He said jokingly as he felt a soft punch on his arm. He got his friend back for a second there, but not the same.

Another minute of silence and Steve heard a small laugh from Natasha.

“You know she would love those kids.” Natasha opened up and she knows Steve wouldn’t mind talking about her.

“Those children will be more spoiled if Maria’s here.” Steve stated shaking his head, but suddenly felt Natasha tensed up beside him when he said her name. “Nat, I’m-”

“No, it’s okay. It’s been so long since I’ve heard someone says her name, you know.” Natasha looked at him sheepishly and turned her gaze on a corner once again. “I sometimes says her name when I’m either lost in my mind or seeing her in my dreams where she’ll fade away in the air, just like the others.” She felt a panged in her chest saying that out loud. Natasha wanted to scream at herself, but she can’t, she just cleared her throat as if nothing was said.

Steve can feel the sadness radiating from the woman beside him and he just, “I’m so sorry that I left Natasha…” He trailed.

She shrugged. “I’m sorry to myself too.”

There were more words exchanged between the two of them and later on Steve left, once again.

Natasha sighed knowing that her friends moved on, but maybe not, they are all still gone, either some are finding real things to actually do, save other universe or just sitting on a corner trying to be strong because they felt helpless, it’s just her.

She couldn’t even blame some of them by not checking out on her once in a while, but she’s still thankful that her friends still has that once a month call on updates on things happening in earth or outside of the atmosphere.

For now, Natasha went to her room. She lied down, feeling the cold mattress touched her warm skin.

Natasha took a deep breathe and released it into the air. She put a hand below her neck and the other on her stomach. Her gaze automatically turned on the table beside her bed as she looked at the photo of her and Maria. Her eyebrow sticking up playfully as Maria laughed so close beside her. That day was important to both of them, it was when Maria asked her to be her girlfriend and that was almost seven years ago.

It feels like yesterday.

She felt herself smiled at the thought of her almost choking the wine she was sipping when Maria dropped the question. Fresh tears ran down on her cheeks, she wiped it.

All she wished was Maria should have been there with her protecting those orphaned children, but Natasha knew that Maria will be proud of her by doing it, even though she wasn’t there by her side, in her heart she always is.

That meant those always aren’t as always after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe a few more chapters, idek oof.


	3. no more battles to fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> had to edit some, but i know it still a mess. n e ways

**I’ll get you back, even I won’t**

Seems like another day of hopeless thoughts about the long gone people. It has been five years, five years of strings going on and on being in a loophole, desperate to be broken. There were no ending to any of what had happened in the last five years, Natasha has been hopeless and she knew that she can’t do anything about it. She can’t bring back the others, any ideas she come up with, it was all useless and that was why she only kept it to herself. She’s distracted in everything she does because for once, no not for once, in every day of those five years, Natasha couldn’t do anything useful.

She was useless.

Not until some guy named Scott showed up in the facility saying there was still hope, the one word that she thought was already long gone from her knowledge. It was promising, Scott gave them a promising plan and in those plans, they needed to be all united, that all meant is having Tony, Thor and Bruce back with them including the others. They needed all the help they could get to have the ones they lost be back for one last time, no more fights and battles.

She just wanted to have a normal life, for once.

Her teammates tried to get in touch with the others by convincing them to join their mission and finally a day where she felt alive and hopeful. Natasha went to her office and well basically the whole facility is hers alone, she sat down on an empty chair.

Natasha pulled out her phone from one of the drawers seeing another familiar phone in there, her face went soft as she closed it. It has been probably a year since she last recorded a voicemail for Maria, yes, she left voicemails for her because she felt safe doing it, it was like Maria was on the other line listening and yet she’s not.

The familiarity of Maria’s voice echoed through Natasha’s ear, she was afraid that maybe one day she’ll forget Maria’s voice that was why sometimes she just listens to her playbacks. Natasha felt emotions building up in her, but she set that aside and began to tell the other hollow side about their plans to get them back.

She’ll laugh on some dumb things she says, to no one, she doesn’t even know the point of saying that she was positive that everything will go as they should once they form some concrete plan. Natasha feels so unease.

“… I – I just really, really missed you Maria.” It was not something so foreign for her that in every voicemails she does doesn’t end up with her crying to a shadow that was long forgotten.

Natasha heard a ring indicating a request visual call from someone, she ended the record with a soft “I can’t wait to see your face again.” She put back her phone where it was earlier and sat back waiting for the one who wanted to chat with her.

Carol’s visuals came up in front of her, the woman nodded to her indicating an encouragement support. “I’ve heard about things going on in there Romanoff.”

“We still don’t even know how time travel works though.” She pointed out.

“That’s where your friend Tony Stark and Bruce Banner comes in right?” Carol shrugged.

“If they even agree to be part of this… I don’t know, part of a plan.” She wanted to be positive, but her patience wore off slowly throughout the years.

“Between you and I knows that both them will agree to help you guys out,” Carol assured her the truth. “Because all of you are part of a family.”

“You’re our family too you know.” Natasha knew sometimes Carol felt like an outsider in their circle, but it was true, she is their family.

“That maybe right,” The woman smiled at her. “But I also lost my family as you all did before.” Natasha knows Carol had Maria and Monica Rambeau and Nick, they both talked about their lost ones sometimes along the years.

“You’ll see them again Carol.” Natasha clenched her jaw as she said it.

“As you will see her too.” Carol told reassured her.

She smiled at Carol with soft gaze because of what she said. “I’m glad we kept in touch, you’re really a great listener and maybe sometimes a pain in the ass because of space.” Natasha told her and chuckled.

“You’re not that bad yourself too Natasha.” Carol shook her head and laughed a little.

“I see you got a new haircut.” Natasha raised her brow.

“Just thought I needed some change.” She shrugged.

“It suits you very well.” Even Natasha couldn’t deny how attractive Carol is.

“Why thank you Miss Romanoff.” Carol smirked. “I just don’t want to see some agent running after me when she gets back here.”

“Oh don’t worry, she’ll agree with me.” The two women just laughed between their antics and they knew that they are both comfortable talking about those things with each other.

“Maybe I’ll get to know her more soon.” Carol smiled at her.

“And I will get to know your family soon too.” Natasha nodded at her friend.

They both chatted for a few more minutes as Carol told her that maybe she’ll drop by and help them with their upcoming mission or maybe battle. Natasha knew that the blonde can’t stay longer from the other line because she’s needed in some other planets.

Natasha released a deep sighed of relief, she’ll make it through. She knows that she’ll see Maria and the others soon, she just need to have a positive oasis, maybe she can do that, be out of trouble like as if there was even one in sight.

But then, speaking of trouble, they were assigned to get every help they can get. That left her to look for her best friend Clint and he’s been out of the radar since all things happened. Natasha knew his family vanished and she knew how Clint can react to what had happened to his family and he maybe even found a coping mechanism after the snapped somewhere in the globe.

But she’s a spy and she knew that she’ll get in touch with him soon.

Natasha made a phone call to the shelter of the orphans to asked how they were coping up with all the changes of the children, being satisfied with the updates, Natasha called it a day for her.

Tomorrow, she’s going to focus up, this was what she’s been craving for throughout those five years and they finally have something that might help them.

For once, Natasha doesn’t felt useless.

 

***

 

Carol was always right, they all ended up agreeing and for some reason there were conflicts between the team at first, but they got through it. Let’s just say most of the drama was between Tony and Steve, Natasha couldn’t even blame Tony if he decided not to help them, but the man still did and she felt thankful because of it.

When they visited the Stark’s household, Natasha knew about Morgan. Pepper kept her updated to their daughter’s whereabouts, even though she only met the little girl a few times, she still felt so soft seeing her so grown up a little. Natasha felt Tony’s antics radiating from the little girl but have the same grace as her mother’s, Pepper and Tony really made something so amazing that they deserved.

Natasha wished that maybe one day she could have that kind of life with Maria too.

At first, their plan was flawed, especially to the time travel issues, but then Tony did his part and helped the others with it.

Everyone was finally back.

She can’t deny that getting Clint back was a hard task. Seeing her best friend killed innocent people of color because he just couldn’t bear when he lost his family so he massacred people around the globe. It was a hard task not just for her to watch, but thinking how her best friend had become.

Clint Barton has lost it, Natasha doesn’t even know her best friend anymore.

Once they were all back in the facility, has one mission on getting back the others and one goal of not messing everything up because they had been planning for it for a long time.

There was no going back and they needed to execute it the way it was all planned.

The team was divided to go to a specific time and places, but apparently she and Clint were tagged up together to get the soul stone in a place called Vormir.

Natasha already anticipated it because she had been taking notes about the soul stone and asked Nebula all the details she knew about it.

The plan was simple, go in a place you and your partner was assigned to and get the stone, no matter what it takes them to get it and not try to die while doing it.

It was the only way to bring everybody back.

The redhead was excited going to space for the first time with her best friend, she knew some things was better left unsaid on what had happened in those five years, she needed to focus on the mission and get it over with.

Space was a place she never thought she would see, but that was a foreign thought already because they were in one, it was a beautiful new sight she ever witnessed in her entire life and Natasha just wished Maria could see it too.

Natasha and Clint made their way to Vormir and the others went to different paths that were assigned to them. The duo saw the red skull guiding the entrance of the place and that was the time she felt unease since they landed.

Something’s not going according to the plan.

Natasha was right. The red skull told them that in order on taking the soul stone, someone you love must die.

_A sacrifice._

She felt herself slowly crushed in the inside by the thought of someone dying.

She’s been waiting for this very moment where she needed to give her contribution, it has been five years full of hope trying to get the others back and Natasha felt it was her time to do something that herself can finally do.

Natasha doesn’t felt useless.

She went alone somewhere in the area and thought about the possibility of having the others back on earth, alive and all well, having Maria back.

All she wanted was the right time and now they had an opportunity to grab that possibility.

Natasha felt her knees got weak and she slowly sat down on the ground as she tried to think of Maria, for the last time.

She knew that it was selfish to leave Maria alone, but it was her job to bring her back, it was the only thing that gave her steady thoughts in the past years and she just couldn’t bear to not let Maria have the second chance of living, even if it meant for Natasha not being there for her when she gets back.

Natasha has to do it.

For the others.

For Maria.

She wants Maria to continue her work on the orphanage, even when she’s gone. She wants Maria to keep spinning, even when she’s gone. She wants Maria to live her life as she wanted to, even when she’s gone.

Natasha wanted all those things happen to Maria… with her, but she can’t because she’ll be gone.

She pulled out a device from her pocket where she can transmit a recording through Maria’s phone. She remembered her spiraled emotions going back in their apartment leaving the device in there somewhere she knew that it will be safe, she was prepared. Natasha made the device just in case of things going south and it did.

Natasha didn’t hear the familiar voice of Maria from it. She felt the pain coursing through her veins, but she can’t back down now, she has to do it.

The recording lasted a few minutes and Natasha ended it with a soft “I love you Maria, I always have and always will.”

Her mind was made up even though contemplating why should she do it because of Clint past actions, but she knows her best friend will give a fight to not let her die once she step a foot back on the cliff.

The battle of the Black Widow and the Hawkeye wasn’t supposed to be like this, wasn’t supposed to be like fighting for wanting to die to save the others, but it ended up like that.

She saw the pain in Clint’s eyes as she let go, but then she closed her eyes, focusing over the others and Maria’s eyes and smile for one last time.

The air breeze rushing so fast, Natasha felt it on her entire body as she slowly goes down on the ground. It was her time.

Clint came back in the facility, alone and the soul stone in his hand.

Natasha was gone.

 

***

 

It has been five years since they were all gone, a sorcerer named as Dr. Stephen Strange told them.

Maria looked around her and she saw the others, she guessed they were also dusted.

Then it hit her, she tried to find the only familiar face she was looking for and when she knew she couldn’t see her, the realization washed over her, Natasha was alone for five years.

Maria felt her chest tighten in that thought, she was gone for five years and she wasn’t there by Natasha’s side. She didn’t even know what had happened, it was all fast.

Voices around her were ringing and echoing, but she can’t hear them, nothing made sense around her.

Then portals were opened and the next thing she knew she’s in a familiar living room, her eyes scanned through the abandoned place, her home with Natasha.

She wasn’t surprised seeing it… untouched. Maria knew that Natasha couldn’t bear walking through their home after losing her.

A sudden feeling swept through her, something wasn’t right. Something wasn’t right again.

She felt her anxiousness colliding with her sadness in her.

 _Please no,_ Maria thought to herself, trying to calm herself.

Maria looked around to see if anything changed in the place, then she saw her phone on the table. It was placed there, probably like a few days ago.

 _No… no, please no…_ those words kept running through her mind, Maria wasn’t ready to bear the thought.

 _She can’t be…_ Maria sat down on the couch and turned on the device. She can feel her blood running cold in her, the breeze that she wasn’t aware that also went cold. It felt like forever until the device started to work.

Her hands were shaking, tears are already dripping down and she doesn’t even know why.

Maria felt like it was an instinct to cry, _why_.

She opened the device and saw there were numerous voicemails and text came from Natasha.

Maria’s heart ached seeing it, Natasha must felt so lonely without her and that was why her only coping mechanism was to talk to her, to her shadows on the other line.

She saw one voicemail that were sent a few days ago and Maria hesitated by playing.

Her heart was pounding from her chest, as it was trying to tell her something.

Maria knew something wasn’t right since the moment she got back, but she was trying to bury that thought away from her mind because she couldn’t bear it, she wouldn’t accept whatever it is. She needed to ease her breathing because she isn’t helping herself to calm down at all, it always comes down to these kind of moments were she feel helpless and thinking about Natasha trying to calm her down when it happens.

Natasha wasn’t there to do it in that moment.

Maria closed her eyes and focused to the green eyes she knows, the pounding in her chest lessen a little, but she can’t do anything about it. She knew that she needed to listen to that voicemail already to get answers.

Even those answers might leave her aching at the end.

Maria isn’t ready for any of it, she isn’t. All she wanted is to see Natasha again and curl up with the redhead and just hold her tight and won’t let her go.

She owed her that.

A big sigh left her chest and finally listen to the voicemail.

<<Hey dumbass,>> Maria can’t help but chuckled at her girlfriend’s antics and fresh tears are already escaping her eyes. <<I know it’s been so long since I’ve done this thing, but I guess it’s necessary in this time around. I’m in space with Clint and the others at this very moment. We had to do things that were assigned to us and apparently Clint and I are after the soul stone.>> Maria felt the air in her lungs left as Natasha took a long pause on the other line. <<I really wish you could see the view from here Maria, it so beautiful, even though it has purple hues, I still see blue hues like yours in the sky.” Maria felt herself smiled, she gripped her side a little tighter than usual waiting for more. <<I miss you so much Maria,>> Natasha cracked on the other side and Maria can feel her pain. <<Five years full of hope, but less patience to bring the others back… to bring you back and it comes to this moment. They had rules Hill, I know you love them, but this time you won’t,>>

Maria is slowly feeling so nausea. <<O – one has to sacrifice.>> She feel her world crushing around her. <<I mean, I would like to see your beautiful face again Maria, I promised myself I would again, but I guess I broke that promise.>> Maria heard Natasha’s laugh, she feel dizzy. <<We really need to stop giving promises you know, but this time, I want you to promise me something,>> The woman paused on the other side and Maria just feel nothing as she waited. <<I want you to promise that you will live as you wanted to, I want you to feel happiness again even I won’t be the reason of it anymore, I just want you to live your second chance my love and there is this home of orphaned children when the snapped happened I built back in DC, I hope you’ll continue that. You were right Maria, I’ll find my chance and I did it.>> Maria hears the shakiness of Natasha’s breathing, pain is the only thing she’s feeling in that moment.

<<I’m so sorry that I won’t be there in the second you’ll comeback, but always know that I’m with you no matter what, you have me by your side, always Maria.>> Maria finally realize that Natasha is really gone. <<Clint is probably waiting for me already and I know he won’t let me do it, but I made up my mind. Also, one more thing is please don’t let Carol do anything stupid and tell her I said hi, you’ll able to recognize her by her hair, I would have loved to see you both interact,>> The woman Natasha was talking about was probably dear to her because Maria can feel more sadness from her, then there’s a long pause that made her anxious. <<I’m really sorry about it, but I promised myself that I’ll get you back, even I won’t.>> Maria’s breathing hitched. <<I love you Maria, I always have and always will.>>

Maria’s world is more broken into pieces.

Natasha is gone and she can’t do anything about it.

She feel nothing, Maria is only feeling numbness the whole moment until she broke down after Natasha’s last words to her. Maria can’t blame anyone or even herself by what had happened, it was Natasha’s choice. She doesn’t even know how she could live in the new world without the redhead. It is all foreign to her, everything is new.

Natasha wanted her to live her life without her, how is even that possible for her to do, but she knows that she can’t betray Natasha’s last wishes for her. She might take a while to get over, but Maria well know that she will never able to, she’ll try.

She curled up on the couch and cried over the long gone redheaded.

Maria’s best years of her life were with Natasha, nothing will ever change that. She needs to stay strong for the kids, she will continue Natasha’s legacy and maybe someday in another lifetime where there are no battles to fight, she’ll see the familiar green eyes again.

Maria knew that Natasha is gone and she is not. Maria also know that Natasha will be there to guide her in no matter what things she’ll do in the future, always.

Maybe the promise were not broken by her and maybe the always are always after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i lied, this is the last chapter. i finally finished it and thanks for reading !!

**Author's Note:**

> It'll be just a few chapters and I'll update soon !!


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